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Friday, September 2, 2011

Why Me Lord?

      It has been a really long time since I have written anything on this blog, mostly because I have felt incompetent in my writing. I know that I am not a great author but that’s fine because this blog is more of a way to express myself than anything. Anyway, I finally had something happen to me this past week that has changed the course of my body forever, but first let me start at the beginning.
      My little girl “Abrial” is almost two now, and my husband and I felt it was time for another bundle of joy.  So we began that journey and tried for another child. I had everything planned I wanted to have a baby in April so I really wanted to conceive in August.  (I know T.M.I. ! right) Anyway, It got close to my period so I bought a pregnancy test in hopes that I would see a little positive sign on the stick. Instead all I got was one line, and the next day I started what seemed to be a very normal period. Optimistic I said, “well maybe next month” and gave it to Jesus.
       A week later, after my period stopped, I was cleaning the house when I had this horrible pain go up my leg into my pelvis. I didn’t know what was going on. I was hurting and I couldn’t do anything about it. Eddie decided to call my gynecologist to get some answers, and the nurse on call basically concluded it that was gas pains. So I took some ibuprofen and tried to go on with the day. Later that night, the pain was still there. It was to the point that Eddie rushed me to the ER. However, when we got there the pain had subsided. There was a three and a half hour wait so I decided to go to my gynecologist the next day.
      The following day arrived and I went to see what was up with my body. I had a so called cyst bust in my ovaries and by the way I was pregnant. (What pregnant!) How could I be pregnant? I just had my period and I was bleeding. I knew something was wrong, and prepared myself for what I thought was the beginning of a miscarriage.
        The next couple of days everything was normal except for the bleeding, but I was getting checked again Monday. However, then came Sunday. I woke up at 7:30 am to find myself hurting again. I didn’t understand because I thought the cyst had already busted. I decided to stay home from church and let Eddie go by himself. I remained in bed the whole day. The pain just got worse and worse. I was praying every moment that Eddie would hurry and come home, but I sure wasn’t going to call him in the middle of his sermon. Then with some crazy circumstances, Eddie’s mom came to the house. She stayed  with me until Eddie got home. (Did I mention the church was having their annual business meeting!)
        We waited for what seemed like forever, and the pain was unbearable. I decided it was time to go to the ER. We tried our best to call Eddie but couldn’t get him to answer the phone. Finally, when we were about to head out the door he pulled up in the car. We rushed down to the hospital and thankfully made it to the ER in one piece. (My husband was frantic if that answers your question.)
        I was poked and prodded and they came to the conclusion that I had a tubal pregnancy and that my life was in danger. The tube had already busted and there was blood spilling into my stomach. The only answer was surgery in the next thirty minutes. We had to make a decision in 30 minutes. My husband was horrified. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want anything to happen to me, but what about the baby. Would that be taking the life of his child? He called and talked to everyone he could in 30 minutes, and made the best moral decision he could possibly make. He sent me off to surgery.
I was afraid. I didn’t want to die. Not because I wasn’t prepared for heaven but because I didn’t want to leave my family. I love them so much. The thought of leaving them behind was unbearable. As I went off to surgery I could hear myself praying please let me wake up from this Lord. They need me here, and off to la la land I went. When I woke up I was thrilled to hear the doctors say that everything went well. They had to remove the whole tube because it was not repairable. However they said that it increased my chances of fertility every other month. I would still be able to have kids.

       After the surgery I pretty much went numb. I felt that everything was ok because the pregnancy was early and I had no pain. I was wrong. Yesterday, I finally had my breakdown. I found myself asking the Lord why me? Why did I have to go through this? Not many women have these problems, why did I have to go through them? Why are all these women around me having normal pregnancies while I am stuck here on a couch recovering from an unsuccessful one? Why, Why, Why???
        Then today it hit me like a ton of bricks. Why not me? This was never God’s Plan in the first place. He would have preferred that we never sinned in the Garden of Eden, yet we had a choice to sin. We chose death. God didn’t purposefully select it for us. He gave his life so that even after death we could have life. Bad things happen because of sin. Plus God knew that I could handle it. I have a beautiful little girl who I love very much. I have a supportive family who has been there every step of the way. I have a Christian husband who was able to make the best moral decision possible. I have a future home where I will one day see this precious child that never saw the world I live in. Not to mention, I have a superior chance of having many more children in the future.

       Why question God when he has given me so much. I would rather it be me than anyone else. God knew what he was doing even before I could see the big picture. He was in control in everything, and is in control of my future.  I am in no way saying that I don’t still feel sad about the whole situation, but now I have a new perspective. I am glad that God can use this circumstance to glorify Himself, and that he saved my Life yet again.